A Better Man going Nowhere Fast

When I was in high school, I planned to get married at 27.  That time, at 27 I thought I would've bought my own house, my own car, working in a supervisory position at a prominent company.  At 27, I thought I would've been contently living a comfortable married lifestyle.  Tomorrow's my 27th birthday.  I'm not married yet.  Heck I don't even have a girlfriend, just three frustrations.  I live with my mother and commute regularly to work (but since I'm in Bangkok, work is just walking distance).  As a corporate slave I have evolved into a brooding, self-critical, somewhat cynical employee who has problems with authority (especially if superiors can't claim intellectual or emotional superiority over me in my book) and who, in the words of Jonjon, is so angsty that my level of angst is now a quality that makes me different and special at the same time.

The bad part of it is, in that description I made of myself, it sounded like the focus of my pre-27th-birthday life has been on one thing: work.  The thing that's so funny is that, I don't focus on work at all.  Career decisions I have made have always been based on impulses, hunches, or emotion, not a clear plan to advance myself.  My friends are out exploiting the corporate world for all its got while I'm stuck complaining about company policies, culture, and nature of work.  Far from my teenage plan of having a job that I'm settled in at 27, I have no idea where to go from wherever it is I am now.  And part of me keeps saying that that's one of the reasons why I have no lovelife, in a Maslow's hierarchy of needs kind of way.

Another funny thing is that the only thing I can talk about in length is work because that aspect of personal life that many people talk about (aside from family and friends) called a lovelife is inexistent.  So, thus far, I have been just (I think) a good spectator, shock absorber, and sponge as my close friends went through the sweet (or bitter) workings of love.  It's like I lived my dreams of loving and being loved through them.

My angsts about work and (absence of) love notwithstanding, I really can't, try as I may, conclude that my life so far at 27 sucks big time.  I may have issues with work but I'm earning enough to provide for my mother and me, and enjoy simple pleasures, with a little extra to share with our relatives and close friends.  I may have no love life but I've met, fallen for, and gotten over frustrations that helped me concretize the qualities I want in a partner in life, qualities which go beyond just looking pretty even without make-up on.  In my change of jobs, I've built friendships which I hope lasts beyond work, gimmicks, yahoogroups, instant messengers and text messages.  I may not have career path direction right now but I feel like I'm just taking my time and enjoying each day as it comes.  I try my best to do what I think is the right thing.  When I look at it that way, life's really not that bad now since my last birthday.  Then again, maybe life's still the same.  Maybe I just got better.

A Better Man by Robbie Williams Send someone to love me I need to rest in arms Keep me safe from harm in pouring rain Give me endless summer Lord I fear the cold Feel I'm getting old before my time As my soul heals the shame I will grow through this pain Lord I'm doing all I can to be a better man Go easy on my conscience 'cause it's not my fault I know I've been told to take the blame Rest assured my angels will catch my tears Walk me out of here I'm in pain As my soul heals the shame I will grow through this pain Lord I'm doing all I can to be a better man Once you've found that lover, you're homeward bound Love is all around Love is all around I know some have fallen on stony ground But Love is all around Send someone to love me I need to rest in arms Keep me safe from harm in pouring rain Give me endless summer Lord I fear the cold Feel I'm getting old before my time As my soul heals the shame I will grow through this pain Lord I'm doin' all I can to be a better man

Nowhere Fast by Incubus Will I ever get to... to where it is that I am going? Will I ever follow through with what I... what I had planned? I guess it's possible that I have been a bit distracted and the directions for me are a lot less in demand. Will I ever get to where I'm going? If I do, will I know when I'm there? If the wind blew me in the right direction (yea), would I even care? I would. I take a look around: It's evident the scene has changed. And there are times when I feel improved upon the past. Then there are times when I can't seem to understand at all and yes it seems as though I'm going nowhere... really fucking fast Will I ever get to where I'm going? If I do, will I know when I'm there? If the wind blew me in the right direction (yea), would I even care? I would. Will I ever get to where I'm going? If I do, will I know when I'm there? If the wind blew me in the right direction (yea), would I even care? I would. I would. I would.

Pussies n' Booze

I heard from someone that you can't say that you've been to Thailand if you haven't been to Pat Pong.  My friend and I went there last Friday, and I can't seem to make the same sweeping generalization.  We had it all figured out: We were going by BTS to Sala Daeng, have dinner somewhere and using the map we got from the Internet, navigate to either Radio City or Lucifer or Muzzik Cafe in Pat Pong 1 for some live band music and disco action.

We got there past seven, nearly missing Pat Pong completely.  How?  Because the famed street is covered in stalls.  I knew there was a night market in Pat Pong 1.  It said so in the map.  What I didn't know was that the night market completely covered the whole street so much so that we couldn't see sign of any pub or bar until we squished inside the stalls with the other foreigners.  It was like the ago-go bars hid behind the night market stalls, their neon lights and music just a background of the market.  I remember I asked Harvey years ago what it was like.  He said you didn't need to go inside any joint to enjoy the sights.  He was right.  They were all there in full view if you just looked at the correct angle from the door.  Of course, they say that the "real" action happens on the second floor of these establishments.  True enough, it was not only a night market for cheap-priced imitations.  I think a got more than a half-a-dozen offers from pimp-looking bystanders to see a "show".  If that wasn't amusing enough, they had a laminated list of...er, stunts that a women's private part can do -- from shooting a dart to popping a balloon and God knows what.  You can immediately tell that these guys are professional in their work, because they can announce the highlights in good English.  If I had ten Thai Baht for each time I heard the word "pussy" spoken to me, I would've had enough fare to go on an end-to-end trip of the BTS Sukhumvit and Silom lines.  Yes, it was all about pussies and the marvelous things they could do in the pussy circus.  You can imagine my imagination growing berserk, me being a visual person and all.  They didn't even care when I said I was with a girl.  They even said she could come.  Well, if she did, it would be OK.  I guess I can't imagine any girl I know who would tag along if I opted to have a peep.  Some foreigners saved the day for them and I just watched as they led their foreign victims on their way.  I've read in tourist books that Pat Pong can really take advantage of a lone foreigner who wants to have a private show.  So we made our way through the stalls, taking a peek here and there.  Nothing really special.  Some women, in my humble opinion, were actually not fit to wear bikinis.  Arlene even said I would be better off going out for a drink at Sibil in Libis.  Come to think of it, Arlene saw more bikini-clad women than I did, since I was busy looking for Radio City.

When we got there, it was still too early for anything to be happening (read: place was empty) so we had dinner at the opposite mall.  Going back, I decided to take a tour of the area, and then we ended up at Silom Soi 4.  It was a Malate-type street where there were no ago-go bars.  Just discos and bars.  Arlene and I agreed it was more our style than Pat Pong 1 so we strolled around.  I remembered Naphat's advice for a disco joint so we tried out Speed.  It would've been a nice place for fun and dancing, if there were many partygoers inside.  We went to the second floor where the small dance floor was, and it was empty save for this girl and her gay friend who were already feeling the groove in their seats.  We decided to wait a while for the place to pick-up.  A few minutes later, I had about two Heineken bottles while Arlene, frustrated with the lack of any Vodka cruiser and an interpreter when she tried explaining what a smirnoff blueberry is, settled for a Coke (which she didn't finish).  Tired of watching the girl and her fag friend as well as the gay dance troupe that sat opposite us, we decided the place blows and if we couldn't have a happening disco place full of people, we should've at least a bar with a live band performing.  So we went back to Radio City, only to have our hopes crushed when we heard the band dish out an oldies song.  Not to be discouraged, we searched for Muzzik Cafe, our other alternative.  There was a band there alright but I'm not sure what language they were actually singing in, though Arlene told me it was English.  Realizing our predicament, we went to our last recourse (the one we just thought of while on the BTS to Sala Daeng): Hard Rock Cafe in Siam Square, two BTS stations away.  We got there about past ten o'clock.  At last, a band we can relate to.  They were dishing out songs we were familiar with: Creed, Usher, Blink 182,and other known living artists.  The place was so happening it was contagious.  Too bad it wasn't really a disco place where we could strut our stuff beyond the confines of our seats, standing.  The staff were in such a party mood I considered what it would be like to resign and apply as a service crew.  Finally, some much needed partying.  So after 1 Singapore Sling, 1 Kristov Cruiser Ice, and a Long Island Iced Tea (just to get Arlene that stirrer), we called it a night, mainly because the place was closing.  True enough, bars here close at 2 o'clock.  It was fun, especially when our waitress guessed we were Filipinos and said Salamat Po while bringing us our change.  It was amusing to find that I was still coherent and balanced on the way home.  Then again, you can't drink that much in one night and not pay any consequence.  Mine was to not be able to have a decent sleep until 3 pm.

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes...resignations're all around me....

There must be something in the air these days.  A few weeks ago, I heard that a considerable number of people in my present company quit their jobs, and if rumors are true, they're not that last ones who will do so.  Just this morning, I had news of three resignations of friends of mine:  Arlene told me Jonny resigned because his application to Qatar got approved; I got an farewell e-mail from Winnie this morning saying she's resigning from my former company to pursue grad studies in UK; A few minutes later, Gene made an announcement in our yahoogroup that he's terminating his e-mail address because he ,too, resigned from his job.  That's not counting Isco and Peewee's resignation from their respective jobs a few months before.  It's freaky in a way.  From a self-centered point of view (as usual), it's like the universe is trying to tell me something.  I mean, What are the chances that a significant number of people that you come across in your lifetime all turn in resignation letters in an eight-week time frame?

Then again, the odds are pretty likely.  Because in my opinion, that's what urban professionals belonging to my generation do: go from one job to the next, looking for that job that will fit them like a glove or be tolerable enough that they can still go after their other priorities.  Some switch jobs because of economic reasons (read: salary).  Some resign to pursue other interests-- studies being the forerunner from what I've seen, getting married a close second.  Some resign to go to jobs that offer opportunities not given to them currently.  Some move to other jobs strategically, hoping to take a step further in building up their chosen career.  Some do it out of mere frustration and burnout.  This last one, I guess, is more a function of emotion than actually having a good plan in mind.  The reasons can be as unique as each person who does quit.

I must admit that each time I called it quits (I'm on my third job now), it wasn't strategic or anything.  I just wanted out.  Looking back I guess it had something to do with me being frustrated at being no-good at what I do.  I always felt that I was doing something wrong, that I was failing at something, that I was falling below what was expected of me.  And this was even with feedback to the contrary!.  In hindsight, I had this humungous pride when it came to my work.  And I was my own worst critic, so any good word, consoling advice, or pat on the back didn't really made it feel any better.  My career plan is inexistent, so I have yet to tender a resignation with a clear, purposeful career goal in mind, not just a desire to get away from my issues with the company.

I guess in some ways, finding the right job is like finding the right girl.  People will have to try and be with some until they find THE ONE.  So in the same way, I think the same question also applies to job-hunting: How do you know that IT is THE ONE for you?.  This book I read asked the questions, "Do you feel you fit in your career?" and "Do you enjoy it and see that God made you for it?".  It said that if God was blessing a person in an endeavour, if he's meeting small successes, these are small guide lights that direct him to his destiny.  Destiny.  I read and hear that a lot in sci-fi and fantasy materials.  I think that eventually, after collecting lines for the employment history part of their curriculum vitae, people will realize that they have more urgent priorities at hand (e.g., mouths to feed, bills to pay) or that they're way over the age ceiling or way under the skill set requirement for certain jobs.  Then, people will settle for A job.  It will be their "retirement" job -- the work they do until they get eligible for pension, the one that their children or grandchildren will know them for.  Would there be regrets in not finding THE ONE?  None, most probably.  At some point in any person's life, there will be things that matter more than being in THE job for him.  And if cherishing that valuable thing means settling for a job you don't necessarily like, people will do it.  It's like a necessary evil that has to be done to enjoy the finer things in ife.  The lucky people find their workplace under the sun.  Those that can't, settle.  Because aside from switching from one job to another, people are good at doing another thing: settling.  They do when it comes to love, they do when it comes to work.  And it doesn't follow that if a person settled, it's a sad thing.  He's probably happier than the one who's still looking.

In a world full of idealism, ambitions and escapism, I think that resignations, risky as they may be, are a given.  Some people will always be taking the risk that they may be jumping into the fire from the frying pan.  This is because people are also good at another thing: hoping that things (the work aspect of their lives in this case) will get better.

The Most Expensive Movie I've Seen This Year

At 170 Thai Baht, it's approximately 255 Pesos.  If there were other cinemas in the cineplex that showed "The Notebook", I wouldn't have spent that much.  Problem was there was only one cinema were it was shown, the one labelled platinum screen cinema.  I didn't realize I paid for 170 Thai Baht (since I watched in the cineplex often and always pay 120).  It only occurred to me to look at the ticket when we surprisingly got admitted into their nice VIP lounge to wait for the movie (only 10 minutes from screening time, after we waited outside with the 120-Baht movie patrons for 20 minutes).

The movie wasn't that bad though I think not worth seeing at 255 pesos.  It was a touching, inspiring movie in general with the pond full of ducks as a highlight view.  I liked the scenes of the old couple more than their younger selves, though Alli sulking with her wedding dress on in a bath tub was pretty hilarious.  It was really romantic of the old Noah to prefer to stay at the retirement home with his demented wife than to go home with his kids, especially with the line,"this is my home, your mother is my home".  Grow Old with You from The Wedding Singer comes to mind.  I don't know if it made me a
weirdo but i couldn't stop myself from laughing when the old Alli finally remembered and asked how long they have and the old Noah said he doesn't know but that last time was five minutes. Also funny was when Alli came back to her dementia and she thought Noah was taking advantage of her.  The movie was touching and funny at the same time I guess (though still not worth 255 pesos to me).  It was only after we were out of the cinema that I realized that my apartmentmate was crying.  So I guess it wasn't that funny.  Maybe I couldn't relate, that's why.  Hm.

Now That's New!

When I was in elementary school, I saw this film on tv called "Camelot" where this girl accidentally goes back in time during a field trip in Stone Henge, falls in love with Merlin, and watch Camelot go into ruin.  I watched some cartoon series about Knights, Camelot, Arthur.  In college I got to watch "Camelot (the musical)" and "Merlin" on Hallmark and "First Knight" on the big screen.  So the story about the legend of Camelot, Arthur, Guinevere, Lancealot, Merlin, Morgana La Faye, and Mortdred was pretty clear to me by the time I watched "King Arthur" last Sunday.  At first it would be like Brad Pitt's "Troy" that disfigured its original story.  It didn't, because it was a new story altogether.  It was pretty dragging in some parts, but the story was good.  It was nice to see Guinevere and Lancealot not committing adultery, to see Merlin an enemy of Lancealot, to see a feisty Guinevere hack down Saxons.  It was my first time to see Lancealot die first before Arthur, and to see a non-sorcerer version of Merlin.  It was also nice seeing the abuses that went on during the time in the name of Christianity.  It showed how the people in power twisted and manipulated the religion to gain power and territory to the point of being tyrannical.  I thought people would never fall for that kind of manipulation again.  Then again, Filipinos are a unique breed of people.  On to better things: I got a free pin (shaped like a knight's shield) with a purchase of the King Arthur bucket set.